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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

jitters and insomnia and the fourth option

posted last night on our funding site and Fb :I will be taking off in less than ten hours, a long 16 hour journey to meet our little girl. I am nervous about leaving my boys, i am nervous about meeting this new little human, i am nervous about her being nervous. I have pages and pages of Amharic phrases, I have packed up some clothes for her, girly hair things, nail polish and princess toys. I wonder what she has been told about us. I had a dream that she told me she wasn't ready to leave Ethiopia just yet and i comforted her and told her i was just visiting. Jitters and nerves and a heart that is a flutter

I am waiting at the Washing DC/Dulles airport. We board at 1015. I have been battling a weird sinus headcold since Saturday. I am so over-tired because I could barely sleep last night.

The fonts on this blog are all over the place. I am excited and anxious and tired and hungry all at once!!

Part of me thinks we are crazy. With Sam we were certain he had no family- he had been in an institution for 3 years- watching so many other kids get adopted and also watching many kids, disabled, older and sick never get out. But with our sweet K- she has siblings and memories of what has happened to her family, to her. It overwhelms me to even speculate the harshness that life may have dealt her. However, i want there to be joy as well- i want her to have joyful memories she can seek out when the painful and harsh memories flood her mind. I hope she has had joy in her life, she deserves that. I hope she can understand how she can have a new family but still love her country and know we will value and cherish that culture. I pray she can help Sam appreciate his culture and homeland- and that we can build stronger connections to Ethiopia. 
I hope and pray we can stay in touch with her sisters and brother. That she can understand the decisions that her oldest sister had to make. We are the fourth option- possibly the best option right now. Of course her first and best option was for her parents to have never been stricken with HIV and/or for them to have the access to life-saving ARVs, the second best option was for her to stay with her siblings or extended family, the third best option would have been for her to have been fostered or adopted within Ethiopia. None of those options panned out ... so now we have the honor of being her fourth option. She has lost so much but  at the same time i do not want to only think of her as a victim. Obviously she is a survivor and a warrior . 

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