Maybe I do too much....i rarely take a day off just for me....so i tried to take off 24 hours from 5pm Saturday to 5pm today (Sunday) to just do stuff fun for me. I wanted to watch a show with John, have brunch, maybe lounge around the house some, go to the mall and maybe even buy S and Gabe something (early xmas?) but the more i tried to turn my mind *off* from work, and school and adoption stuff the more i just felt uneasy. I am just so anxious about money and grades and work and the house...and how much could this stress out my marriage. We aren't having any issues, so don't get worried, i just know that at some point its gotta give. Not to mention the 12 pounds if have gained....well maybe like 10....it WAS 20+ but i have lost 10....whew....but still.
I still am too scared about trying to take off next year, like i wanted to. I want more time with my boys and doggies and for school work towards my doctorate....but i fear the lack of $ will stress me out more than the lack of time with family will stress me out should I work.... its a catch 22.
Maybe I will get an adjunct position or PT at the university- thats what I am hoping for....so i will have some money coming in.
There is also a possibility, actually a pretty good one, that john will be getting a promotion/raise- but not until after the first of the year. That would be so amazing...and i hope he will like his job/new responsibilities more.
So i tried to take time for me...wandered around the mall...that just makes me more annoyed and frustrated- with all the crowds. But i did go to the newish Bareminerals store and get my face done and get a starter kit. I have always wanted to get their line- I already get the knock off stuff at Target (probably just as good?) But i had a little promo card for $10 off the starter kit....still $55 is expensive...but i did get new brushes, and can use all three products for foundation, concealer and bronzer/blush.
Yet here it is, not even 5pm (remember it was supposed to be 24 hours for ME) I am at Panera Bread grading papers- which very much need to be done. Tomorrow i will have my intern and TA help me with more grading and catch up with all that....i am not too far backed up. I think i will feel less anxious when we get Johns $ from his 401K (we are borrowing a little from that) and we get an update on S.
Actually making the trips to Ethiopia and finally having him here just feels so far removed from reality- that its upsetting me. It just feels like we have so far to go and we are stuck in neutral.
I know that feeling VERY well. At one point in our adoption process I started thinking we were really just on some kind of sick reality show and there were no babies waiting for us in Ethiopia... that at some point someone would jump out and say "PSYCH!!" and it would all be over. Then some little dribble of info would come in that would help me ride along for another few days. It will be here and then you will look back and wonder how it seems so long ago. Blessings, girl.
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